Posts Tagged ‘transference’

I just can’t help myself.

Posted: September 26, 2013 in Uncategorized
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I’m not the self help type. The reason is that I can’t depend upon the ‘self’ part of the term. It’s not that I don’t want to help myself (without sounding wrong). It’s just that I know myself enough to not see something through. Simply put, I lose interest.

There are various things that have captured my attention over the past many years. But almost none have retained said attention. I shift from one to another, lost in the whirlwind borne off it. Why? I can’t be sure. But I draw an inference – I can’t maintain focus.

Since I was a kid, I was told to focus and be the best. It was always about perfection, not about enjoying. A perpetual scenario. And somewhere along the line I developed a phobia for that focus. I ran away from it. What was expected, made me cringe. It was all about “expectations”, even if they were my own. I became a victim of my own aversion. I formed a thought process in my head, wherein I would constantly be on the run from one thing to the other. If I stopped on one thing, I would be weighed and judged against what I’ve learnt. Or what I haven’t. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?!

From playing the tabla, to the keyboard, to classical singing, to tennis, to playing the guitar, to playing basketball, to giving a competitive exam, to learning the djembe, to working for love, to working for money. Bleh. I just couldn’t slow myself down enough to actually finish one of those. I never wanted to stop. I just couldn’t. I jumped, so as to get the all-seeing eye of judgement off my back. I would cut myself short, rather than allow anyone else to do it.

But what if I diverted my energies onto someone else or some other cause? Then would I be judged on myself, or on what I do for others? Maybe it would be on the basis of what others gain, not what I do. And that would give me the shady bower I’ve always needed to avoid the glare that’s burning me from inside. Maybe it’s a sly escapist philosophy, but who cares? At the end of the day, we’re all selfish when it comes to ourselves. Maybe by doing right to others, I’d finally be able to do right to myself. Maybe.