Archive for May, 2012

When you’re in a profession that needs you to constantly think, what happens when you no longer want to think? I don’t want to think. I want a break from thinking. I’m tired of it. A constant barrage of thoughts weakens my will to think. It just gets too much.

But then you wonder, is it the process of thinking or everything else around? If you just had to sit and think, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. But it’s the other things around. Because before you can finish one thought, your world interrupts you. Some work, some noise, some girl, some calamity. The world interrupts. And there goes that chain of thought.

A broken chain is not easy to fix. Once you lose that line, you are left trying to grapple onto the last threads of that fading thought. And you scrape and scramble to regain it. It’s within your grasp, but just slips through. So you sit, lost and alone, because even your thoughts have left you.

That is what tires me. Yes, it’s not the thinking part. It’s the task of losing a clear thought and finding it again, but not anytime soon. I’d be a happier man, if I could sit in peace, just think and finish my thinking. Well there isn’t really anything like finish thinking, but still.

There is a lot that is jumbled in my head. I need to think them through. I feel saddened when I can’t clearly recall my thoughts. It’s because of this confusion that surrounds us. The chaos filters into our mind. There is a reason why the monks chose the mountains, removing themselves from the everyday world. They went for the sole purpose of finding a higher self within their thoughts. Maybe that’s what I need.

I want to think clear, lucid and straight. The world should become oblivious to me and me to it. I want to be either in the world or floating in the clouds of my thoughts. Mainly, I want to stop wanting to stop thinking.

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I never thought such a day would ever come. A day when there would be an excess of time. Oh, so much time. But still not enough. Not enough to read all the books I want to. Yes, the day when there would be too many books to read them all.

It’s a bittersweet moment. On one hand I rejoice at having so much to read, and on the other I curse myself for not being able to read them. I conveniently blamed it on time. But the real culprits are the books themselves. Why? Because there are so many. When you finish one, you just pick up the next one that brushes your fingertips. But in that interim period a bevy of titles are thrown at you, leaving you flabbergasted at such a joyful moment. “Ah more the merrier..” is what your mind is fooled into believing. Until you start making plans to read, said books, at a future date. “I will read this as soon as I finish these other two!” And it doesn’t happen. Because by the time you pick up the second book, there are five more to choose from.

And now what?

Pick and choose and read just a select number of books? No way. How could you do such a thing? It’s a monstrous act. Books are meant to be soaked up, whatever they are. It doesn’t mean you read random books you would have no interest in. It comes from honing your interests to suit a wider range. Cause there is nothing like widening your horizons with the words of intellectuals and fools alike. They put it down on paper, and a humble request from them is for you to read their thoughts. And I shall. Or so I make the plans. Well, it doesn’t work.

It just feels insulting to pass on a new idea in the form of pages. So I currently have thirteen books waiting for me in my study. And it’s even worse when you try reading a fourteen book series. I finished seven and literally had to take a break so as to read some other authors. It’s like an addiction. But the good kind. The really good kind. The kind that gives you more than you want. Quantitatively and qualitatively. It’s our job to imbibe it all. And that’s just what I plan on doing, however long the list of books might extend. The world is full of books undiscovered. It’s a hidden treasure, never meant to be hidden.

Compare me with thee?

Posted: May 17, 2012 in self discovery
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It’s a feeling. Or maybe the lack of one. The lack, of feeling that you’ve accomplished something. You sit and wonder what great shakes you’ve done. “Oh yes, I have just cured cancer”. Okay maybe, “Yes, I just wrote a bestseller”. Or maybe “Yes, I just wrote a piece which I will treasure for years to come”. Yes, the lack of that feeling.

It’s sad but that void comes only from one place. The world. Comparisons drawn in the world. Comparisons not drawn against one’s self. Because if you’re just starting off, you don’t even know how to compare with yourself. So your subconscious compares. Regularly with many updates.

You compare with the people of the world. The actions of those people. The achievements of those people. The levels reached. The comparisons can be monetary as well. It happens. We compare because we can’t help it. And how does that make you feel? Lacking in worth. And that is an endless abyss. Once you enter that black hole, it’s not easy clambering back out. It sucks you in deeper and deeper, until the bleak reality of a failed life hits you.

So what do we do?

I don’t know. Because there is nothing specific to do. There is no set rule to come back to yourself. You try and try. Experiment. “Work hard and have your goals in order”, is all hoopla over nothing. Everyone works hard, at something or the other. The point is to find what works for you. Try whatever the hell fancies you. Try, scrape, beg, borrow, smash. But don’t stop trying. Come back to yourself. Become yourself. Someday. Someday, when your attempt is successful.

That’s my plan. As of now, I’m going to go and compare my words with some others, cursing myself for having done so.